The True Absolute Zero Experience

I've mentioned that Lilac often has a lot to say in her older age. What I haven't mentioned is that Lilac has another way of motivating us to do what she wants. This occurs mainly in the early morning, but it is not reserved to only that time. She will give a few warning barks in the morning, and then she pulls the deadly weapon out of her arsenal. If you're a dog owner, you know what I mean when I say the words "cold nose treatment." I suspect that she has some sort of underground tunnel from our bedroom to the icebox, where she must sleep with her nose inside for most of the night to be able to get it as cold as it is. Absolute zero must be warmer than her nose. The worst part of the attack is always that you don't see it coming.

Fortunately for me, I am not as often the recipient of this behavior as my husband is. Waking up to a high-pitched man scream, or hearing it from the other room, is not a pleasant thing. Your heart races, imagining some horrible injury, and then you find out that it's just the cold nose poke striking again. Her favorite is the early morning cold nose in the back poke, where she burrows her head under the blanket, but she has other moves in her arsenal. There's the attack from behind in the kitchen to get your attention when someone else is eating her food or she wants a sample of what you're cooking. Another dreaded maneuver is when she waits until you're asleep on the floor and sticks her nose to your neck to demand some petting. That nose is a wicked weapon.

Somehow, I suspect that this is all some big joke to Lilac. Possibly it's her revenge on us for being young whippersnappers who don't cater to the whims of an old lady. She has always been something of a Grand Dame, and we love her for it most of the time. Four thirty in the morning is not one of those times, however. You know that it's gotten bad when everyone lives in fear of her nose. I am not exaggerating when I say that people jump back and give her nose a wide berth when she starts to get the gleam in her eye. I've seen my husband drop her bits of turkey when she starts pointing and waving that nose at him like it's a loaded gun.

Husband: No, this is my sandwich!

Lilac: I'm hungry!

Husband: You have a bowl full of dog food in the kitchen!

Lilac: Drop the sandwich and nobody gets frozen!

Husband: *grumbling* This is a racket!
Does anybody know where we can get a nose mitten? It may be our only hope. We don't mind being a slave to our dogs, but we don't want to live in fear!